Ascension

Most people think Spring is nowhere nears, but to me Spring starts on January 1.  Somehow, any flowers that I see after that date count as Spring blooms for the New Year, while December flowers count as "it's unseasonably warm and things are blooming early."  I realize this is ridiculous, but tell that to the Bay trees.  Manzanita is also blooming and it's a good thing someone else is in charge, because I had no idea that was supposed to be happening around now.

I also saw the first tick of the season, hanging out on some Elymus glaucus seeds.  I have a habit of collecting native grass seeds as I walk and redistributing them in some fantasy of micro-restoration.  This practice has taught me to check seed-stalks for spiders and other inhabitants in fall, and for ticks in spring.  I neither want to be a home-wrecker nor to end up with a handful of unpleasantness.  Anyways, this tick was just chilling with his arms raised up.  If we could hear him, it seems he would be saying: "Haaaaay!  Haaay, wassUP?  WASSUP?  I haven't seen you since LAST YEAR!  Let's CHAT!  HAY!"  Either that or he might just be saying "meep."  Who knows.

Today I was at Mount Umunhum.  Usually nobody knows what to make of that word, which means hummingbird in one of the Ohlone languages.  So sometimes people make fun of it.  Today it occurred to me that I'd love to hear a native speaker say it.  If it were said a specific way, I bet it would sound like a hummingbird's wings.

As I hiked I comforted myself for some time with the thought that when I'm an old lady and have lived an excellent life and have nobody around to care how I smell, I shall smoke as much as I please.

Anything you miss lately?  Anything new?

Are you ready for some black widows?

Staying quit is still very difficult. My hope is that I will, indeed, stay quit and that easiness will sneak up on me, that I'll wake up some morning and think "wow, this used to be MUCH harder, I'm so glad it's not anymore."

In the meantime, let's look at some black widow photos.

My cousin, as you must know by now, is the fabulously talented photographer who graces us with these images.

So here is her note: "The blond ones with the large circles in the front, I believe are males. I believe that those round things have something to do with reproduction. They may be sacs for fertilization, but I will leave all that to YOUR expertise. Have fun, now that I got the heebie jeebies from the photos I am going to bed."

You may also feel that pics of black widows give you the heebie jeebies, but please do check out her store at: http://www.viewbug.com/estore/littlemphoto. There you will see some terrifically lovely photos of only nice things which you may want to hav

e grace your living room.

Now, I'm still not quite feeling myself (and I cannot figure out what those circle things are, do you know?) so instead of actually writing something, I'm going to pull in quotes from various interesting websites. Hope that is ok.

Latrodectus hesperus, the Western black widow spider or Western widow, is a venomous spider species found in western regions of the United States of America. The population was previously described as a subspecies of Latrodectus mactans and it is closely related to the northern species Latrodectus variolus. The species, as with others of the genus, build irregular webs. Taxonomy from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latrodectus_hesperus

Color - Females

Females of the Western, Southern, and Northern widows look like the classic black widow spider. The body is shiny black and the underside of the abdomen has orange-red marking(s) on it. Many female widows will also have an orange-red spot immediately above the spinnerets on the top of the abdomen. The Brown widow female varies in color from light brown to dark grey and the hourglass on the underside of the abdomen typically is more orange than red. Lighter colored females may have whitish spots along the upper sides of the abdomen, similar to the marking of immature widow spiders.

Adult Males

Male widows may be either completely black or maintain some of the immature coloration. They do not possess the hourglass type marking of the larger females. However, males usually have some red marking located on the top or underside of the abdomen.

Juvenile Widows

The coloration of the juvenile widow spider typically is quite different from the adult. The abdomen is grayish to black with white stripes running across it and spotted with yellow and orange.

Coloration info from: http://pubs.ext.vt.edu/444/444-422/444-422.html

Breeding

Adult male Black Widows wander in search of females but do not feed or bite. Females may occasionally kill and eat a male after mating but this is more the exception than the rule.

The female then lays several batches, containing up to 750 eggs each, in one summer. The egg case, about 1/2 inch in diameter, is suspended in the web. It is white to tan in color and has a paper-like texture. There may be 4 to 9 egg sacs produced during a summer. Normally, only 1 to 12 young survive after the egg incubation period of 14 to 30 days due to cannibalism.

breeding info from: http://www.desertusa.com/july97/du_bwindow.html

(Gosh, these are some nice fluffy kindly animals, aren't they...cannibalism...sheesh.)

Food Habits

Latrodectus mactans is exclusively carnivorous and antagonistic. Ordinarily it feeds on insects; however, it also consumes wood lice, diplopods, chilopods and other arachnids. Usually, the black widow spider enswathes prey caught in its snare, bites it, and later drags it to its hub, or retreat, to be eaten. Latrodectus mactans inflicts a small wound on its prey, uses its cheliceral teeth to mash it up, pours digestive enzymes on the prey; and sucks up the resulting food. The whole digestion process takes place outside the spider’s body. (Kaston, 1953; Snow, 1970; Preston-Mafham, 1996; Foelix, 1996; Levine and Miller, 1991; Gertsch, 1979).

Food habits info from: http://animaldiversity.ummz.umich.edu/site/accounts/information/Latrodectus_mactans.html

Some people are afraid of spiders. I've had to do a lot of field work around black widows in a check dam for a riparian area, and I'm not any more afraid of them than I am any other dangerous thing. I'm more afraid of cockroaches than black widows.

What are you afraid of?

Jellyfish

Part of the problem with trying to quit smoking is that my system has become dependent on being flooded with sensation for about three minutes every hour. Smoking gives a jolt, a startle; it's a small wave, an adrenaline orgasm, caffeine on a cellular level, POP.

So in quitting, part of what I am missing is the sheer sensation level. Work work work POP work cook clean POP work relax drive POP. And of course, nothing can replicate it or even come close; chocolate, coffee, sour things, alcohol, exercise, deep breathing, self hypnosis, loud music, acupuncture, sauna. So I feel like a jellyfish on the beach most of the time; gasping, hurting and stuck without the salty overwhelming tide.

Sounds dramatic? It actually is. I'm on day five and the chart which says I should be experiencing about three cue related craving episodes a day is full of shit. I think about smoking most of the time. It underlies the typing clickity of the computer keyboard, my hands on the smooth steering wheel, my forlorn wandering in the backyard trying to plant something or have a purpose. Especially, it underlies my breathing. Bitter irony, that quitting smoking makes me feel like I can't quite catch my breath, I can't breathe deep enough, can't get enough air.

Occasionally I don't think about it for an hour or so and then I am thrilled.

The main thing keeping me to this is that I have three options. 1. Not smoke. 2. Smoke again and eventually have to go through this misery of quitting again. 3. Smoke again and smoke till I die.

Unfortunately, the brain is more squirrely than that, and thinks things like "Just one" and "Even just one puff" and "It'll feel so much better and then you can go back to staying quit" and similar nonsense.

On the agenda today: working on the computer, working at the gardening job, going to the gym, getting a massage. Not on the agenda: Fucking this up and having a smoke.

Miri's Quit-Smoking Diet

Sample Menu

Breakfast: Organic cheese and fakin bacon toasted onto one slice whole grain bread. Fizzy grapefruit juice, three cups coffee with organic cream, DeTox Tea.

Note: It all goes downhill from here.

Lunch: Limeade, cranberry juice, leftover pub nachos and fries, hard sour candy, frosted wheat cereal with soymilk, water.

Dinner: Marianne's chocolate peanut butter ice-cream on a sugar cone, gin and tonic with extra lime, pub fries, water.

Snack: Lemonade with tonic water, half a beer, chocolate candy, antacid.

Not for the faint at heart

On the plus side, I was able to sing some mid-range harmonies to Fonseca this morning while doing the dishes. No croaking and no coughing.

On the minus side, I opened the door, saw the newspaper lying humbly full of promise in its green wrapper on the stoop and thought "F*ck you, I hate you". Yes, to the newspaper.

It's only been a day so far.

This is not for the faint of heart.

3 things you might want to know (or not)

1. I am an auntie.

2. Quitting smoking sucks.

3. Piera is wonderful.

Hello people, all seven of you. Those are my updates and be warned that I do not feel good. However! Let us muster up some fireworks here, because I AM A AUNTIE! Clasp your hands together and produce your best OOHs and AAhs for the following:

I haven't even met this baby yet and I'm already in love with her. I love how she looks like both my brother and my sister-in-law, how she already has hair, and how she seems like a strong and determined little nieceimus. I've never been an auntie before, so I'm curious and a little concerned how it will play out; my brother and I have never had a strong connection (to put it politely) and they live in San Diego, which is far from here. But I'll put out my hope for a lot of time with this nieceimul, a way to love and be there for her, and for my brother and his wife as well. Aliana Marisol Sachs - what an amazing name! Welcome niecieta!

2. Onto some nitty-gritty, QUITTING SMOKING SUCKS. Really, it sucks. I hate it. It's awful. It's always on my mind. Sometimes it feels like grief, like I've lost a friend, sometimes like an itch under my skin, a thing I need that I haven't quite gotten. Or it's difficulty breathing, like my chest is in a box too small for my ribs. I can't stop grinding my teeth and a cement mixer should wish it had as much concrete as my shoulders. The hypnosis CD, which says "No desire for a cigarette, no withdrawal symptoms, no irritability, no urge to snack between meals" is full of SH*T. Ha! Boo-sh*t! And really, that's all I can say on this. There's no dancing around it, no pretty spiritual lesson or analogy. QUITTING SMOKING SUCKS ASS AND THERE WE HAVE IT.

3. Not sure where I would be thus far without Piera who took me to see tidepools yesterday, bought me dinner, and then played scrabble with me until 2 in the morning. Having a patient, loving, generous, funny, kind, interesting, helpful, and intelligent partner is really quite something. I highly recommend it.

So we are on T PLUS DAY TWO. I'm trying to make it tea-time instead of just T-TIME. I did drink a bunch of water yesterday in addition to sufficient coffee and beer. At some point I will go to the gym, too, but for now I'm about to take my grumbly falling-apart azz out for a hike. Putting an octopus to bed might be easier than keeping track of myself right now.

Thanks for reading.

NOW.

A WONDERFUL evening of comedy and champagne, fireworks and rain.

Back in the truck I asked P "Are you ready to go?" and she was.

I threw my cigarettes and lighter out the window.

She gunned the engine and we headed home.