T minus 1 day!!!!

Ok, so here's the plan for tomorrow. I'm going to wake up, and I'm not going to smoke. I may actually eat breakfast, which is something I never do.

In no particular order, I will:

• read the hypnosis book and listen to the hypnosis CD.
• do the neti pot on my sinuses, which is disgusting, but hopefully helpful
• take my homeopathic quit-smoking remedies
• go to the gym and do the sauna, steam room, jacuzzi, and maybe swim a bit
• try not to be too much of a b*tch to Piera.

I almost wish it were tomorrow, but then again I do not. I bought two final packs yesterday and am smoking like a fiend. Smoking is hard because it's such instant gratification. Light, inhale, ahhh. If only it had no consequences, no smell, no cost, and no damages, I would just keep doing it forever.

At last count there are five people joining the party. Me, Kim, Adam, Anthony, Star, and Jane. Who knew so many of us were hooked in by Nicotiana tabacum?

Do you have any New Year's Resolutions? What are they?

Little M photos - LADYBUGS!

Thank you to those who requested more of my marvelously talented cousin's photos! This week, in honor of BB's ladybug dress, we have a lovely assortment of ladybug pics for you.

To purchase photos of various cool critters by Little M, visit: http://www.viewbug.com/estore/littlemphoto

Ladybugs are the queen of beneficial garden insects. They are aphid-eating machines. Both adults and larvae will voraciously consume these soft-bodied pests. Ladybugs can be purchased and released in the garden. The best time to do this is in the evening, and make sure to water the garden first. Many people consider green lacewing larvae to be a better deal in terms of buying beneficial insects, because the ladybugs have a tendency to "fly away home".

However, green lacewing larvae are not nearly as cute as ladybugs, and don't have the funny smiley eyes. This is a scientific fact and sources will be cited at the end. In order to attract ladybugs and other beneficial insects to a garden, there are several things you can do.

1. Plant a diversity of native species. You want variety in height, type, flowering time, color, fruit / seed, deciduous / evergreen, etc. A short list off the top of my head of plants known for their beneficial insect-attracting prowess are:

• Achillea millefolium (yarrow)
• Eriogonum fasciculatum (buckwheat - any native buckwheat, really, not just this one)
• Baccharis pilularis (coyote brush)
• Asclepias fascicularis (narrow-leaf milkweed - any native milkweed, not just this one)
• Salvia spp. (any native sage, but know that sagebrush is not a sage...it's in the wormwood family. You want a true safe like black sage or pitcher)
• Penstemon spp., (Penstemon)
• And then the holy trinity of native California shrub-trees - Ceanothus spp. (California Lilac), Rhamnus californica (California coffeeberry), and Arctostaphylos spp. (Manzanita).

2. Don't use synthetic fertilizers. Don't use chemical pesticides or herbicides.

3. Have readily available water, and keep some areas of your garden as insect habitat, like a piece of a log, some big rocks, or an area by a fence.

4. Talk to your beneficial garden insects in a special voice, encourage them, point out aphids they may have missed. (Optional)

Ladybugs are sexually dimorphous, with the females usually being larger than the male. The number of spots is just individual variation, and does not correlate to age or species. There are about 5000 species of ladybugs worldwide, but the most common one in the United States is the Convergent Lady Beetle (Hippodamia convergens).

There are tons of wonderful website about beneficial garden insects and ladybugs in particular.

• Ladybug Lady - this site is SO fun, and chock full of information.
• Our Water Our World - 10 most wanted garden insects
• Materials and Resources List about Beneficial Garden Insects
• Ladybug activities for kids, and some school materials too.

In order to scientifically prove that ladybugs are cute, you'll just have to plant some native California plants and watch them zoom around looking for aphids.

Enjoy, and don't forget to visit Michelle's shop!

In Which We Realize I Have Still Not Learned Tact (although, neither has she)

Time, which was inching before, seems to have speeded up. I'm getting nervous. If I fail (which I don't think I will), you'll all be witnesses and I will have to explain myself. That's part of the point, I guess, but nervewracking.

Today I cleaned out my car and made an appointment to get it detailed. The carwash guy was super nice on the phone; "Congratulations! We'll get all the smoke smell out for sure". ($200, but hey.)

I was outside sorting stuff, making sure that there's not a cigarette butt or lighter to be found.

Neighbor (lighting up): "Maybe I'll quit too. New Year's Resolution, huh?"

Me: "Good idea! The more the merrier!"

Neighbor: "Then I can knock on your door each day and see how it's going."

Me (silent scream): "Ummm..."

Neighbor: "Although, I don't really smoke that much. Hardly at all."

Me: "Really? Every time I see you, you're smoking."

Neighbor: "Up yours."

Me: "It's true, like you are smoking right now."

Neighbor: "UP YOURS"

T MINUS TWO DAYS, THE MORE THE MERRIER!

Never say Never

Life is nice right now. It feels like it did last year about this time, when we had first moved back to the Bay Area and were incredibly glad to be home. The weather was saner, jobs started coming my way almost immediately, the gnawing ache of missing my hills was assuaged with weekly hikes and I spent time with friends every week.

This feels like then. Georgia is in somewhat of a holding pattern, I am planning on quitting smoking, I bought a lovely comfy rocking chair for $70 at Goodwill (be envious, yes), we have fun New Year's plans, I am going to a gym and getting acupuncture too. My sister-in-law is about to give birth and I am going to be an auntie soon! Once the solstice passed, I breathed a huge sigh of relief - I made it through the dark time of Winter. Now should be the easier part, 90 seconds more of sun each day, and the drumroll of plants blooming us to Spring will soon begin.

They say never say never, and I thought that today when I went to my first ever gardening job. About a year and a half ago, I injured my back doing heavy fieldwork; woke up one day and couldn't walk. Then followed one of the worst periods of my life; leaving my job, being unemployed, getting used to what it is like to live with pain every day. On a side note, after acupuncture yesterday, I had no pain for almost an hour. It was an amazing experience to feel the pain coming back bit by bit and to feel it distinct from me rather than an integral part of my body. For a moment, I "had" pain, instead of "was" pain. Amazing.

After my back injury, I thought I was never going to be able to work outdoors again. After all, if I can barely lift the groceries, how can I sling mulch all day? But lately, I've been realizing that hunching over a computer all day is hardly healthy either. On a whim, I answered a Craigslist post looking for a gardener. It was a surprising moment to put on my long-folded Carhartts and work boots, walk up to the house, sink down on my knees, and start in on the crabgrass. :) I spent three hours there, wind whipping my hood and hair, sun smiling on my face, piles of crabgrass and oxalis mounding next to me. Yes, my back hurts worse now, but I hope to get stronger bit by bit by continuing to work outside, and once I quit smoking, taking up more specific exercise at the gym.

And so life feels sweet and crisp, full of plans and possibilities, a perfect Fuji apple for biting.

How is your life these days?

T minus 5 days

I appear to have misplaced my quit-smoking buddy. She's stopped returning my emails. If anyone knows someone who is both seriously addicted and seriously ready to try and quit, please send them my way. A buddy through the storm is a good thing.

Time seems to have slowed down and may actually be moving backwards. I hope I feel this ready January 1.

T minus 5 days.

Last Trampas Regional Wilderness

Las Trampas Regional Wilderness is a place to pray, to push past my limits and get my ass kicked, a place to quietly pad along and startle coyotes. It's a place to hear new sounds and see new animals, like today's thousand teenchy red water mites forming their own ecosystem in a cow's hoofprints. It's the Henry Coe of the East Bay - larger than life, not suited for a quick hike, but for confronting my fear and my physical limits.

Can you tell I'm in love?

I've been going to Las Trampas almost every weekend for a few months now, and as I get tougher from navigating her hills and steep trails, she pulls me in, and deeper in.

Today I thought I was bad-azz; hiking in my Carhartts left over from field work days, full of energy and long strides. Even after I settled in to my normal quiet padding, I felt so pleased to feel so safe, a small woman, in the wilderness, alone. But Las Trampas doesn't let me leave until she's marked me.

I planned for too long a hike, as I often do, get to the point where I should turn back in order to not get caught out after dark, say "f*ck it", and keep going forward. For a time, I thought I was lost, and as one sometimes does, assumed I was almost back to the staging area. Ha!

I finally saw a sign - not lost then, but still three miles in. I trudged on; water done, food gone, knees hurting. The light was fading fast, and I was teaching myself to slow down, take a deep breath, and move through the mud on my feet and not my bottom.

Hiking is learning. I learn to push past my fears to find the next fear on the horizon. I learn to be stronger, quieter, stay longer, disturb less. I learn my friend's faces - black oak, blue oak, valley oak, coast; deer print, cow print, 'coon print, coyote.

Are you with me? Do you picture me? Good, so go here: http://www.soundboard.com/sb/Bobcat_sounds_audio.aspx, and click on the fifth item, Bobcat Sound 3. Now come back to Last Trampas with me.

I heard that sound far off, and was caught in a moment of awe. "Someone is killing his dinner", I thought. "And someone else is dying." Predation, that sacred scariness, about 300 feet to my left. I wondered what animal it was- I've never heard the sound before. I felt deeply moved. After a moment, I kept walking.

Another half hour went by. I could no longer even pretend there was any light left, but I was exhausted and happy, safe in my beloved hills. I hove into the final descent. Now go back here: http://www.soundboard.com/sb/Bobcat_sounds_audio.aspx, and listen to number 12, bobcat sound 4. I heard this right behind me and nearly jumped out of my skin. Then I heard a similar sound in front of me and about 100 feet to the right. My legs started shaking. If I had remembered I was human, I would have shouted,

but I was so deep down, so Las Trampas, that I continued padding quietly. My first thought was 'jackals', although of course not. My second thought was that this was about mating; communicating, not about me. And my third thought was that it took everything I had not to sprint for the gate on my wigged out knees.

I made it, of course, home to cook a huge pot of pasta and look up animal sounds on the Internet. I'm fairly sure this was bobcat - it's the closest match I could find. They are normally silent, but become vocal during mating season, which can start as early as January.

So it all makes sense, now. But I thank my goddess for things that do not make sense, for huge roars in the night, parks bigger than me, for the awe-inspiring mystery of it all.

Love is Ageless

We went to a convalescent home today. It's right up the street, and every time I ride my bike around, I'm tempted by its sign: "Love is Ageless - Come Visit Us". (Great sign, huh?). So today we went, armed with Scooby Doo playing cards and some gifts.

This is one of the cleaner and nicer homes I've been in. No urine smell, no yelling, super-nice staff, and they even have a dog, named Millie. But there's something so painful, even brutal about the residents who are variously confused, angry, out-of-it, or sleeping. This place has done what it can, and it's not enough.

It seems wrong to have that many old and sick people living together - they will never have a chance at a beautiful, bright home because they are starting with such a deficit. I want them integrated in, surrounded by babies and young people and middle-aged, other old people, all ages, all flavors. I don't think the fabric of life is meant to bunch up so at the end. To keep it smooth, it must be weighted out with other things besides the TV muttering uselessly in the background and take your pills at 3:00.

I want them woven back in to some pattern somewhere; dinner cooking, sun peeping in through the window, kids arguing about Christmas presents, and yes, Aunt Grace wringing her hands and talking to herself in the corner - clean the table because the nurse comes at 3:00. I know we are busy, rushing, occupied and full in our lives. I know I've never had to care for an aged loved one and so really I don't know what it's like. I also know that the San Mateo Convalescent Hospital hurts my heart, makes me sick inside. I will go back - I feel like I have to. But it will be hard.

Last night I read "A Little Fear" by Patricia Wrightson (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patricia_Wrightson). She is the author of my favorite book in the entire world (yes, I have ONE favorite book): Moon Dark. In this book last night, an older lady runs away from an assisted living home to a cottage her uncle left her when he passed. There she adopts a dog named Hector and has a prolonged battle with a little fearsome spirit of the land. It ends happily, as all good books ought to, with her losing to the little spirit, deciding to buy a cottage in town with a garden, and she never has to go back to the "Sunset House" again. May we all be so blessed as we age.

PS:

When it is time for me to die

Let me die

Like an animal

For animal is what I am

Set me out as carrion

for no greater honor

than carrion

is there for animal to be.

Or if you must

Inter me to the ground as I am

Plant a fruit tree on top

I'll bless the earthworms with carbon, phosphorus and iron.

You come by

Have a pear

and say Hi.

Things I am looking forward to about quitting smoking

1. Getting my singing voice back: I used to have a lovely singing voice, and a talent for creating harmonies that nobody but my steering wheel and the song on CD would ever hear. Now I have a smoker's croak. I'm looking forward to riffing off Ella Fitzgerald and Ani Difranco again.

2. Smoking is an obligation that I'm looking forward to being free from. I must always be sure to have cigarettes and a lighter on hand. I must excuse myself from parties every 45 minutes or so with my purse. (While it's nice to smoke and look at the stars once I get outside, it's embarrassing to walk past people wondering what the heck I'm doing slipping out so often...a medical problem perhaps?) I must keep an eye on the smoke supply just as if it were coffee and cream. It's one more obligation on an already long list.

3. Smoking is ugly. I can spot other smokers by their croak, smell, and wrinkles. I want to keep whatever natural beauty the goddess gave me as long as I possibly can.

4. Smoking is hard on those around me. It's hard on my partner, and for those of my family who know about it. I love kids, and always worry about contaminating them with third-hand smoke (if you've not heard of it, read here: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/health/research/03smoke.html). It's hard on the environment.

5. Smoking is expensive! I don't have an iPhone, so I can't get the neat app my friend Rebecca got when she quit, but I do hope to calculate my savings and use them for a nice massage as soon as I have enough.

I think quitting will be hard, I think I may not succeed past a few days. But I hope I do, because there's a lot I'm looking forward to about it.

Introducing Little M

A couple of weeks ago I went down to Southern California to see my family. The trip was less restful than I would have liked; I was still ratcheted up from fall semester's two jobs, my grandmother is doing poorly, and any time you have more than one strong-willed and opinionated woman in the room, you're bound to have personality clashes. (Strong-willed and opinionated women abound in my family, I don't think we have any other kind).

One of the highlights of my visit was driving to Apple Valley to see family there. I had a chance to sit down and look at some of my cousin Michelle's photographs.

The previous post helps contextualize this conversation:

Miri: "These are hundreds of times better than most photographs in field guides. These are amazing. You are incredibly talented."

Michi: "Do you mean it?"

Miri: "Cousin, you know me. Do I give false compliments?"

Michi: "I know, I know. You speak the truth."

Miri: "That is correct. Now get off your azz, fill your Etsy shop, and start selling these!"

(Ahem, strong willed and opinionated, perhaps just a tiny bit).

Truly my cousin Michi of Little M photos has an incredible talent. She is a wild thing in her own right, wandering around with a regular pocket camera set to macro, an insatiable curiosity, and a desire to record the world's intricacies.

No matter how good of a writer one is (and whether that applies here is yet to be determined), a blog without photos is just kind of boring. So I'm excited that Michi has agreed to collaborate with me. We'll be posting her photos, hopefully at least weekly, maybe more often.

Without further ado, here is a beautiful velvet ant. A different pic can be seen and purchased at: http://www.viewbug.com/photo-store/photo/742900.

The velvet ant (genus Dasymutilla) is not actually an ant, but a wasp. Males have wings, but the females are wingless. They are also called "cow killers" because their painful sting is said to be strong enough to fell a cow. (I used to pet them before I knew this). Only the females can sting. Velvet ants occur worldwide, and are a diverse assemblage of about 5000 species. They mostly feed on the larvae of other insects.

Seen any cool bugs lately?

The Kind of Friend I Am

Bossy, loyal, loving, tenacious, opinionated, judgmental (working on this), caring, permanent, reflective, active, stubborn, fun-loving, truthful, dedicated.

As a friend, I stick around. Pretty much the only way to get rid of me is to ignore me in a sustained and concerted manner.

I court people who I want for friends. Josie did that for me, some 10-15 years ago, and I was so impressed, I thought I'd try. Jen J., Rolla, and other amazing women are a testament to how well this can work.

I consider it part of "my job" to watch how my friends change and grow over time and to reflect that back to them. Sometimes I wrestle with frustration with the things they choose to do. If I think it's helpful, I reflect that, too. If not, I try my best to STFU. :)

Because of the above, when I give compliments, my friends know they are true. I try not to talk fluff. I try not to lie. When I say something positive, my friends, they know they can put that in the bank, that I mean it for cierto.

There is a point to this, for which you should read the next entry. But first: what kind of friend are you?

Quit-Smoking Buddy

I have a quit smoking buddy. Her name is Jane. I'm quite excited about this. This time around, I've decided to not take advice from anyone who has never been addicted to cigarettes. Also, I will not allow any more people to tell me that quitting smoking is harder than quitting heroin. Nobody knows but me how hard or how easy it will be for me.

Back to my buddy - last time I quit, I really wished for company. So I put an announcement on a listserve, and voila: Jane. We write each other short notes each day or two during this countdown. She has bought coconut water, I have bought grapefruit soda. She has a specific helpful book, I ordered a hypnosis CD. She has been smoking since she was 16, I started when I was 11. Both of us have quit successfully and significantly in the past.

T MINUS 9 DAYS!

Solstice

I meant to celebrate the solstice today. Really, I did. I wanted to go for a hike, or do a small ritual, somehow connect with and honor the darkness without and the darkness within.

Instead I spent the day dogged by grumpiness, tired. I got acupuncture, which hurt more than usual. I booked a "counseling session" with Piera and she stroked my hair and told me to eat some food and go to the gym, which I did. My daily ins-and-outs drag me down much more than I wish they would.

We did see the eclipse last night. The moon looked like a pebble or a ball, tethered to the Earth by a very short string. Piera was poetic and said "She looks so vulnerable, now, stripped of her fine party dress."

And today I did plant narcissus bulbs. Even if I cannot step far enough away from darkness to carry off a proper salute, I can almost always manage to curve myself towards light. Five weeks or so and my room will be perfumed, moon-bright fingernails of flower petals growing faithfully towards Spring.

Just one

I was driving to Walmart when this song came on the CD: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehu3wy4WkHs.

Tired after a long and productive day, I started rocking out in the car. Moment of incredulity - my white woman beer belly jiggling against the seatbelt, all rebel rockers on their way to Mal-wart, and then BAM, the world split open, and I let it all in, with love. Perfectly ironic, perfect moment, perfect me. And to this I say: "YEAH".

How's your self-love doing?

Themes

I stopped writing for several years because I was sick of creating the same poems, over and over. I once watched a documentary which said that every Rabbi has one basic sermon that he delivers in myriad ways. I think this is true for all but the most genius of artists; one book, one poem, one song, done and repackaged countless times. "Please", I would think to myself before a performance, "Please don't make me read that again." So I stopped and immersed myself in the world of plants and animals in which the themes, while equally repetitive, somehow feel sparkling new with each observation. Each root or leaf pattern, coyote scat, seeds gathered in my hand, weed pulled, each moment of tranquility or fear, snake sighted, claw marks identified, is the first one, never seen before and never to be repeated after.

Back to writing now, I feel heaviness dogging my fingers; nothing new under the sun is a potential curse threatening each word.

The problem is, that even though I've written my themes into the ground, they do not go away. Here are my themes, that you may be forewarned: sex and love and the desperation they invoke in me, sleep and the lack of it, addiction (cigarettes and drinking, at present), Georgia the cat, family communication and drama, trying to be a more positive person, my body image and reality, and, hopefully more often, the unique sparking joy of life, my signature stamp of wonder and amazement at this unlikely gift of the world.

What are your themes?

T Minus 11 days

T minus 11 days. Nobody ever tells you what T stands for, but it must be Time. In this case, it's Time to Quit Smoking. I've got lots of plans to make that a success, but this evening my life feels held in abeyance, on a "Pause" button of rain and sleepiness, overwhelm, grouch.

T minus eleven days means I've decided that I can make my life a bit happier by quitting smoking. Miri being Miri, I'd love to add drinking, slouching, gossipping, insomnia, and a whole host of other items to the list, but we'll start with one, The One, that will give me the biggest bang for the buck (and in this case, save more bucks).

I called this blog Where The Wild Things Are because I feel like a wild thing myself sometimes. I go to the hills to see the real wild things, who, in a bit of peaceful irony, often tame me. Today I slogged through the mud at Garin for a couple of hours, cold, and did not get domesticated in the slightest. But at other times the weeds and hemizonia will sink into my shoulders and drop them a couple of inches, unclench my teeth, open my heart. If there was a way to message my central nervous system and tell it to stop preparing to do battle, that the constant tensing is wearing my pretty body out early, I would.

In the meantime, I'll clean the car, buy sour candies, order a hypnosis CD, and count down eleven days.

Which of your vices or habits bothers you the most?