Jellyfish

Part of the problem with trying to quit smoking is that my system has become dependent on being flooded with sensation for about three minutes every hour. Smoking gives a jolt, a startle; it's a small wave, an adrenaline orgasm, caffeine on a cellular level, POP.

So in quitting, part of what I am missing is the sheer sensation level. Work work work POP work cook clean POP work relax drive POP. And of course, nothing can replicate it or even come close; chocolate, coffee, sour things, alcohol, exercise, deep breathing, self hypnosis, loud music, acupuncture, sauna. So I feel like a jellyfish on the beach most of the time; gasping, hurting and stuck without the salty overwhelming tide.

Sounds dramatic? It actually is. I'm on day five and the chart which says I should be experiencing about three cue related craving episodes a day is full of shit. I think about smoking most of the time. It underlies the typing clickity of the computer keyboard, my hands on the smooth steering wheel, my forlorn wandering in the backyard trying to plant something or have a purpose. Especially, it underlies my breathing. Bitter irony, that quitting smoking makes me feel like I can't quite catch my breath, I can't breathe deep enough, can't get enough air.

Occasionally I don't think about it for an hour or so and then I am thrilled.

The main thing keeping me to this is that I have three options. 1. Not smoke. 2. Smoke again and eventually have to go through this misery of quitting again. 3. Smoke again and smoke till I die.

Unfortunately, the brain is more squirrely than that, and thinks things like "Just one" and "Even just one puff" and "It'll feel so much better and then you can go back to staying quit" and similar nonsense.

On the agenda today: working on the computer, working at the gardening job, going to the gym, getting a massage. Not on the agenda: Fucking this up and having a smoke.