Hiking is mostly very good, often great, and sometimes glorious, but looking back on the helpful record provided by this blog, I see I had a crankyhike on December 19th, and I had one again, today.
In the crankyhike, any one of the following, and probably more than one, will happen:
I wake up late, can't decide where to go, get stuck on email or downloading music, finally get out the door when the day is half gone, get lost on the way there, don't bring the right clothes, something is wrong with my sandwich, I drink all my water too fast, I get lost on the trail, I fall, I don't see any cool animals.
Today it was the first 5 and the second to the last. Fortunately the sandwich was fine and I saw a bunch of turkeys.
But what defines crankyhike isn't anything that happens; actually those things often happen during lovely hikes, too. It's my brain. A typical crankyhike minute will pass something like this.
Step. I'm tired. Step. I'm so tired. Step. My back hurts. Step. My thighs are rubbing together. Step. I'm fat. Step. I'm really tired. Step. What's wrong with me? I should be appreciating the day. Step. That's a pretty tree... Step. I'm hungry. Step. My back hurts, and onwards.
I just get stuck in this yukky loop of being unhappy, and then being unhappy about how unhappy I am. The Buddhists say that pain is inevitable but suffering (pain about your pain) is optional. Clearly, I just need to bring a Buddhist along when I'm having a crankyhike and then it'll all be cool.
So today I had a crankyhike for sure, and then I got lost out there, and caught out after dark, which often happens, and then I got scared which does not usually happen.
I started hiking regularly maybe ten years ago? I don't even remember how long, but Jen Johnson can confirm, because it was with her. After several years of being hiking buddies, she got pregnant with my absolutely wonderful UGK (Unofficial Godkid) Benjamin, and I continued hiking alone. Nowadays I can laugh when I look at the tree limb at Ed Levin just about a mile from the parking lot that I was convinced was a mountain lion, but the day I spent half an hour in front of it trying to force myself to keep walking, it was no joke. Fear, once my constant companion on hikes, only visits me rarely these days. I guess ten hikes happened without incident, and then a hundred, and somewhere my little mammal brain realized that Traumatic Things happen very rarely, if ever, on hikes. But tonight, I got spooked.
Now, here is the nice part. Generally, when I get spooked on a hike, it is about the idea of mountain lions. So the solution is to whistle and sing. I remember singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" while caught WAY the hell out at the Pinnacles; I must have gone through the song about 70 times before I finally got back to my car at 10 PM.
So tonight I started to sing. I'm not some kind of opera singer, but I do love singing, and especially making up harmonies. And while smoking, my singing would always collapse into coughing, or funny mid-word gasps for air. But tonight a month after quitting, I was able - mildly - to let it rip, to let my little voice arc up and bounce around in the hills.
There's nothing like singing when you are scared, or for that matter, feeling like a crankypants. I felt my mood start to raise from my feet, hover at my knees, and then slowly bubble upwards as I went through my repertoire. After the first song, I wasn't even afraid, not really, but kept singing so as to stay that way.
Here are the songs I sing when I'm scared in the woods, in no particular order. I'm linking them to the actual song, in case you are feeling crappy, they should help.
Indigo Girls - Closer to Fine
John Prine - Angel from Montgomery
Celia Cruz - Yerberito Moderno
Louis Armstrong - Wonderful World
James Taylor - Close Your Eyes
Juan Luis Guerra - Los Pajaritos
and, of course,
The Tokens - The Lion Sleeps Tonight
When I go through those songs, I try some other ones, or just start again at the beginning.
When I go through those songs, I try some other ones, or just start again at the beginning.
Then I came home and ate Sees Candy and took a nap, and now we are basically all good.
What do you do when you are scared? How does it help?
7 comments:
When I was really, really scared of someone, I sang May the Lord Protect and Defend You (Fiddler on the Roof) for about a year. When I was really depressed, I listened to Enya every night for about a year. Tonight, I was at Lori's Pond with 2 docents and a ranger checking out the frog activity in the dark. I kept falling behind and wondering what the ranger would do if a lion snagged me from the back of the pack and if she would get on the radio for help first or hit the lion on the nose with her radio. Scary things are more amusing these days for some reason. Can I borrow your singing hiking Buddist?
Well Cuz, I really loved this post!
I have a few things to say.
1) I used to hike in Glendora Mountains (GMR) is what we called it back in the day. A few miles in there are two large tunnels that are about 100 feet long. They are a deep dark, the kind where you can't see your own hand in front of you. They curve, so the light at the end of the tunnels in NOT visible until you are almost there. The tunnels are punctuated somewhere in the middle by a round tunnel that cuts into the side wall. Each time I would walk these tunnels I would sing Amazing Grace. The echo was awesome, I loved it and how my voiced bounced around in there. It hid the sound of monster's footsteps chasing me in the dark, so I kept on singing. When I made it to the middle my voice would quiver and increase in volume, my palms would sweat, as I looked into the the side tunnel, sure that red eyes would look back at me. Thankfully this never happened. Thankfully I made it to the end of the tunnels each time, feeling strong, invincible and wonderful. I am still afraid of the dark. I blame all this fear on Steven King and Dean Koontz. And my lack of night light these days.
2) I love Indigo Girls!!! Closer to Fine is my favorite song by them, right up there with Galileo. I used to cover it at the coffee shop and it was a big hit. Great fun and memories.
3) I took up waaaaay too much space here didn't I?
So that's interesting that all three of us sing if we are scared! We're onto something! Cindy, I'm going to go listen to that song now because I don't think I've heard it. Cousin, how could I forget Amazing Grace, it should surely be on my list. Have you heard this version by Walela? Stunning. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QqkpYgvIBtU
PS, you can't take up too much space, it's the interwebs!
When I am really scared, I usually call you, Bun! Or I cry. Or I yell. Or I pee/poo my pants. Or I get really quiet. Really, I should try this singing thing...
From the get-go, the goal has always been to NOT be featured on one of those 911 reality TV shows (per the 90's) and to NOT be sued. So I have a habit of thinking "oh gawwwd, it's gonna sound bad when I explain how THIS happened!" Or, if I'm guiding others, I think "what will I tell the judge!?!"
I am so glad you are MURDERING the cigarettes. Your misery is very film noir. We are living vicariously and reliving past struggles astonished that we survived and rooting you on. Durn, there's a song title, "Murdering the Cigarettes".
i love that list! and i love the idea of singing when you're scared. i have to say i usually only sing when i'm happy or the nightly lullabies for the kids (which is usually also a happy thing). scared i get too clenched up and immobilized to sing. the impulse is to be As Small And Quiet As Possible when scared. good to go against that, be loud, be joyful.
and since i was referenced By Name here :-) I'll say that it was indeed at least 10 years ago now that we did those first hikes. how great they were! we moved here in 2000, i think i was at FWT for the first time in 2001, and we started hiking together within the year. so yeah, a decade sounds right (!!!)
i am emailing you NOW to get my miri time on the calendar!
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